Mountain time, island time

Patience, my pet, patience...

Welcome to Asheville. Please don't move here.

I love living in Asheville, but I'm scared this place is going to become the next Austin. When 20,000 people move to your city every month, things can get messed up in a hurry.

Especially if you built your city in a desert. I'm sorry Austin, I want to love you.

But I digress. Because I love Asheville, which, you know, isn't in the desert. It's in the mountains, though it sometimes feels a lot like the islands.

For example, on Thursday, I made my third attempt to obtain a North Carolina drivers license. And once again, it ended in failure. I'll back up so you can enjoy the fun.

• Attempt #1: I didn't have proof of insurance
• Attempt #2: I needed documentation to prove what my middle name is
• Attempt #3: "It's now five o'clock. Only two employees will be left to serve you."

When they made that announcement, I waited for 15 minutes to see how slow things were actually going to become. Answer: Pretty fucking slow. Like, you-should-go-home slow.

So, I decided to go back on Friday. You know, for the fourth time. Which isn't really a big deal, because the DMV is less than a mile from my house.

"Hi," I said. "Can you take me off the list?"

"Are you sure you want to do that?" said the DMV employee.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" I said, trying to be cute and funny.

At this point, the DMV employee just stared at me. Since I'm trained in the art of sales, I knew the first person to talk would lose this little game.

I waited five seconds.

"Please take me off the list."

At that point, I should have followed up with a more direct question, but I thought we were being all clandestine and stuff like that. Like spies, or something. You know, winky-winky stuff.

She just stared at me. We were not playing winky-winky.

The moral of the story is this: Asheville is a lot like an island. Sometimes, things move slow. And the more you try to speed things up, the slower they get.

So when life slows down, go with it. Jump on your mountain bike, ride some trails, and then go back and try again the next day. Like I did Friday at the DMV.

It works a lot better that way. License, obtained. Though they won't mail it for another three weeks.

Not that I'm counting.

The hills are alive, with the sound of fairies

Doe, a deer, a female deer...

Just a typical Saturday morning in Fairyville. Kids apparently hanging out in Austrian meadows.

Fa, like rockets in the sky...

Water-propelled rockets flying high into the sky.

Which brings us back to doe!

Everyone joining the fun. 

You know, Saturday.

Gotta go. My 8-year-old friend is delivering my afternoon lemonade.

The koozie collection rolls on!

Koo, koo koozie

Once again, I'd like to remind everyone that I was forced into becoming a koozie collector.

That said, I love my new koozie! Here we are having fun in the sun on Hilton Head Island. Well, one of us. You know what I mean.

What's your deal with koozies? Love 'em or hate 'em?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Happening now

As my dear friend Wolf "Don't call me a shrimp" Blitzer would say, "Happening now, spring!"

In pursuit of positivity

Yup



I was at the grocery today when the dude ringing me up started a conversation with me. He was a really cool guy and I enjoyed talking with him.

When there was a lull in the conversation, I pointed to his "End the Fed" t-shirt and asked, "Hey, how'd that go for ya?"

Yes, I'm a smartass. But I was involved with Occupy Wall Street in Chicago. So I know what it felt like in 2011 when we thought we were going to get some real traction and maybe, just maybe, arrest a few of the people who perpetrated the greatest theft of wealth in history.

Remember that? Remember the fall of 2008, when all the financial scams came home to roost at the same time? When the people who really run the show told the people we elect to govern us that if they didn't give the Fed and Wall Street what they wanted, they would declare martial law.

What a country!

But my new friend wasn't having any of my negativity. He said that things take time and we need to keep the pressure up.

"Did you see what happened in Chile?" he asked. "Students won the right to free higher education!"

I told him I did see what Chile had done and how exciting that is. But deep down inside, I've already given up on this country. Most of the people I know who have done enough independent research and taken different perspectives into account arrive at the same conclusion.

At this point, I really want to start listing some stuff that the great American myth has completely rewritten, but I'm not going to. Because a few years ago, I realized that I'm never, ever going to change anyone's mind. And if I do include the list, some people out there might throw the laziest two words out there that they believe wins the argument: Conspiracy theory.

Unfortunately, the people who do that apparently don't know the definition of the word conspiracy. So, just for shits and giggles, here it is. Conspiracy: A secret plan by a group to do something unlawful or harmful.

Happens every day.

Here are three great examples of conspiracies:

1. Fluoride is good for your teeth
• It's a neurotoxin, like lead or arsenic
2. We needed to invade Iraq after 9/11
• Bullshit
3.  Christopher Columbus discovered America
• If you believe this, the Internet can't help you

But enough. The point is to embrace the truth while remaining positive. Easier said than done, right? But just when I expected it the least, and said something snarky, along came a young man to remind me that we need to remain positive and keep up the fight.

Oh, Asheville. You're just a bunch of Hippies.

Which is fine. Because you do know the Hippies were right, don't you?

Rivers rum

Old school

This water wheel is not located in Asheville. We're headed down south again – to a rum distillery – for today's post. So put on your Speedos and your drinking hats, here we go!

As soon as we arrived, I fell in love with the River Antoine Rum Distillery. The little outside plaza feels almost European, with a two-story brick house covered in flowers thrown in for good measure.

Located on the northeast coast of Grenada, the distillery pumps out some serious rum. Like, seriously. There are two flavors: 69 percent and 75 percent.

The good folks at Rivers make the 69 percent for people who want to bring some rum home with them. It seems you can light the 75 percent on fire, so it's not allowed on airplanes.

"Rivers" as it's known locally, hasn't changed its process since 1785, when the waterwheel was built. The wheel turns a thing, which turns another thing that turns yet another thing, ultimately crushing sugar cane, the main ingredient for the rum. As far as I could tell, it's all about water and then things turning.

Rivers uses the sugar cane husks as fuel for the fire, so nothing is wasted. Except for the people drinking the rum.

Here we see how the water wheel makes the little thing turn the big thing, which crushes the sugar cane. Rivers crushes the sugar cane twice, to make it magically delicious. ...Which it kind of isn't.

Let's just say you either love it or you don't.

They leave the sweet juice to ferment for a while in large tanks and then something happens with a giant fire that's always cooking. At this point in the tour, I had become focused on the main goal of the trip: Tasting Rivers rum. So I wasn't really listening that much anymore.

Unfortunately, I tasted the 75 percent first, so I couldn't taste the 69 percent. Holy rum! My mouth and chest were burning for the entire 20-minute drive home.

As usual, Barb and I fell in love with the place. We bought three bottles of the 69 percent rum. Our plan was to drink one and then bring the other two home. One for us and one for my parents, who were lovely enough to be staying at our house and taking care of our unlicensed petting zoo while we were drinking rum.

Apparently, we had a good time drinking the first bottle of Rivers, though Barb could smell when I opened it in another room. So we decided we were not bringing any home. We gave one bottle to our newest friends Chris and Jim. What happened to the third bottle is any one's guess.

Sometimes, you have no idea. That's Rivers, baby. It's rumtacular.

Yes, it snows in Asheville

Peanut trying to go sledding

It isn't much, but it is snow. Or, as I like to call it, really cold water.

Speaking of which...

More really cold water