Research trip: Austin

Thirstexas

I love Austin, Texas. I could definitely live there.

Our dogs would melt, which would totally suck and make me an animal killer, but I would be so warm.

I could wear shorts and t-shirts all year long, because I would be so warm.

Sure, it would be my fault that my entire little family would die, but I would be warm. All the time.

Getting out of bed? Warm. Stepping out of the shower? Warm. Walking around the house naked with a bottle of tequila, screaming about the state of the world? W. A. R. M.

Death dampens the day

Unfortunately, the death of my family would be a buzzkill. I'd probably never sleep again. Because it would be my fault that I used my supreme powers of persuasion to talk everyone into moving to a crazy-ass state where:

• It's over 100-degrees Fahrenheit half the year
• There's no water
• It's Texas

So not only would I be an animal killer - and a selfish dick - I'd also be responsible for depriving my dwindling family of precious resources. On purpose.

Kind of like moving to Vegas. But with more prostitution, y'all!

Hi, please don't move here

Don't get me wrong, I love Austin. Some day, I'll post a more positive story to prove it. But until then, I agree with the natives who think that 3,000 people moving there every month is unsustainable.

That's why they say, "Welcome to Austin, please don't move here."

Do you love Austin? Do you want to move there? I want to hear about it!