Great moments in history

Snip, snip, snip go the scissors!

In 1967, John Wayne tore the Berlin Wall down with his bare hands.

In 1981, aliens blew up the Great Wall of China.

In 2014, Dr. Skalpien trimmed the Illustrious Wall of Chin Hair.

It's all over kids. History is dead. But I hear hair grows back, even though my head disagrees. Either way, let's take a look back at how it all began.

Why did I grow it? 

Back in early October, after we'd decided to move to Asheville, I figured I might as well wave my hippy flag far and wide as we rolled into town. Even more so than before. Though Barb and I had started using essential oils months ago, I still trimmed my goatee.

No longer.

Why did I trim it?

I blame Trader Joe's. Mostly.

You see, sometime in November - when the color white started competing with the word scraggly for dominance - every single one of the wonderful TJ employees I'd been interacting with for years looked at my lengthening Van Dyke and started referring to me as "sir."

Repeatedly.

It was like I couldn't hear them, wasn't really paying attention to them, and needed help changing my adult diaper.

(Kind of, yes, and maybe.)

The Dude

Where was the "dude" that had been tossed at me so cavalierly for the last decade? The finger point? The "This way to the ripe bananas, broski"?

Ok, no one at TJ's ever called me broski. But here's the big point: I like to get dressed in less than 10 seconds.

That includes everything. That's why I shave my bald-ass head every three or four days. Donezo.

But lately, I felt like I'd been spending too much time taming the unruly, goat-like thing on my face. Of course, for me, anything over 60 seconds is excessive grooming.

I also started receiving unsolicited invites to audition for Duck Dynasty. They wanted me to play a neighbor who was going to run a duck's senatorial campaign.

They kept telling me, "Think Aflac meets the Tea Party."

The final reason has to do with my theory that goes something like this: Don't let your poster be funnier than your show. The natural extension of that is: Don't let your hair be cooler than you. Unless you have really, really cool hair.

So today, off it came.