Oh captain, my captain

"Science is the captain, and practice the soldiers."

Leonardo da Vinci

Over the past year and a half, it's become obvious that I shouldn't go for mountain bike rides that last even one minute longer than three hours.

Why? I fall apart.

When I'm tired, I get lazy. And when I get lazy, I just...might...crash.

It's a pretty simple concept.

So I'm not sure why every goddamn ride ends up clocking in at something like three hours and 42 minutes. It's like keeping my hand over an open flame for 42 minutes.

Sure, it's fun, the kids love it, and it smells delicious, but it's not really a good idea.

Let's talk tires
Anyway, what I really want to talk to you about today is tires.

Wait! Where are you going? Guys???

Hang on! I'm going to do some relationshippy stuff!

Damn, I lost half of you. Which means there are about four of us left. But that's fine, because you're the kind of people who care about bike stuff. Or you're dressed up like a clown and hanging out in a cemetery at night, reading this on a cellulartronic device.

We'll get to that tire talk in a moment. First I want to talk about my life-long love for riding bikes.

Second-grade BFFs
Chris Juracka. As soon as I saw him, I knew he was the dude I wanted to be. Man, he was cool. Chicks dug him even in second grade!

Chris and I were semi-tight, but we kind of drifted away. For example, he only showed up at maybe 20 percent of the parties I threw my senior year of high school. Which means he came over 100 times to drink beer and listen to Scott Naples repeatedly play Eddie Murphy's Party All the Time.

"My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, paaaaaaarty all the time!"

Over and over and over.

Not that there were ever any parties at my house. Not that it was technically "my" house anyway.

Getting back to bicycles, Chris Juracka and I both realized that we loved riding bikes. And doing so together was kind of fun. Especially when riding down a hill that was conveniently located right on our school's property.

What school? The Campanelli Cougars, that's who!

So we formed a bike club. And then young John Miller joined. As we grew older and got into BMX, our crew was a solid five or six strong, depending on the day.

We all rocked nice bikes. Chris had a Mongoose and I rode a Roger DeCoster. I can't remember what kind of bike John rode, but I think it was blue.

Those bikes were nice, but you know what they didn't have? Knobby-ass 29-inch tires, that's what.

Not only are they tough, but they grip the trail like no one's business. And when I'm flying downhill on a road, they hum like a UFO.

So yeah, I love my bike. I love my tires. Together, we are the captains of our destiny.

But I can't find Chris Juracka anywhere.